Ive been doing really damn good since the last post! I'm talkin "My confidence sensei beat my ass with the answers to my deepest questions and now I can arm wrestle Chuck Norris's beard fist for a solid 60 seconds before losing to a legit compliment from the Texas Ranger himself" kind of good! There's more valid evidence for why doing what i enjoy for a living is better in the long term than working a 9-5 job in a different town doing something i dread for 1/3 of the pay i need to live on my own with my employer deciding where my health insurance payments go to while i make hard choices for all my other expenses.

i hate how bleak that reality is. i refuse to try to make that work.

i dont even think about my problems back then all that much! they do pop up from time to time, but its like they space it out by once or twice every two weeks. makes publicly talking about them in an animated video feel less worth the effort. and im ok with that!

.........

oh yeah, Sharpy wanted to have Leon Kennedy abs for Christmas! I think i will work on that for a palette cleanser!

And i do not mean that in a physical way, its more like a mental/emotional kind of loss. Ive been asking a lot of questions, doing a lot of research, and trying a lot of experiments that pertain to a part of something i lost 13 years ago. This explains my lack of uploading anything to Newgrounds, YouTube, most any other social platform and a lot of the cause is because high school sucked before 2010 and i hate acknowledging that its even worse today! But thanks to a classroom fulla jerks thinkin its funny to view me as a murdery crazy person after graduation, finding out this news and running it through my AuDHD brain created an emotional trauma that tore off a vital chunk of my artistic creativity!

It didn't help that good mental health research wasnt plentiful until after 2015, so all i thought to do about that was repression. Which didnt help in the long run, obviously. But now that ive understood the effect of what happened, i gotta say....

I feel motivated to create art once again and i will throw as many tricycles like tomahawks at anyone who tries to stop me as are necessary!

(and yes i do intend to create something about my mental health journey so i can fully process the trauma like any weekend Taco Bell Night. Both get very shitty, you confront your inner demons halfway through, and you think youre on ecstasy after you win the battle!)

Time to fart on with my art on!

about halfway through that aforementioned 3 week work trip mah dad be on, still gotta put new flooring in the master bathroom and connected closet. but the master bedroom is done! finished that crap today and i dont know whether to sleep or eat then sleep. i dont want to stand for 10 hours at this point.

the physical activity does help with video/artwork ideas though, so thats just another added benefit!

tbh, i would be making plenty if i had the opportunity to hyperfocus on making videos.

Currently, im trying to enjoy a 3 week period of my dad being on a business trip. Mom wants all sorts of house renovations, and im literally the only person who can get a majority of them done. its the last week right now, he be home friday, and god damn do i wish i wasnt doing any work in 100+ degree sunny weather.

I just wanna draw dammit. is that too much to ask?

If you don't, they are a channel on YouTube all about mental health awareness! they got good stuff, and they are branching out their content, which is one reason why i have yet to post more stuff here and other places!

If anything, its been a great motivator to learn Blender and my animation style and methods with it. Especially since they are paying me to make stuff for them.

That bit right there is a game changer for me. Deadass.

......want to understand a thing, but theres little info from others about the thing, so experimentation is the only thing you can do to make the thing work and its just frustrating that you can't figure out the thing?

That's what im dealing with when writing good dialogue for a project's script. I cannot think and talk in tandem in real life. I need to get better at understanding how to converse. My parents are clearly not a good source of support for this matter.

Why the hell does it involve Invader Zim and Michael Reeves?

Folks be headed to see my sis for about 6 days or so. Im using them.

And living with my folks, 3 greyhounds and two cats is leaving me with a LOT of internalized hate. especially since it prevents me from animating or making art, its like if im in front of my computer, they think that means i must be bothered and do something that benefits them more than me.

Right now, my efforts in creativity equal to be my only effective escape plan.

After watching Ep.2 of Helluva Boss, I now have a new favorite indie cartoon. Heck, if i had an enemy who was a wisecracking robot who angered me to no end, i'd wanna kill him with reckless abandon with little regard for nearly anyone/thing in the way.